A-N-X-I-E-T-Y From a Person Who Isn't Anxious

Adam here, and January 2020 has been the shortest longest month. I can't even describe what that means, but my mind is so scattered and tingly and unsure of how to feel. The entire month, looking in the rear-view mirror, looks fast...but every day has turned into this avalanche of emotions.

I'm excited!
I'm anxious.
I'm in love.
I'm heartbroken.

I'm all of these every day. I'm all of these every AM and every PM of every day.

I feel constricted. Parts of my head/mind/body feel TIGHT.

I'm not an anxious person and this uncertainty, this waiting, this l--o--n--g--i--n--g is unbearable.


Unrelated but related:

We moved a picture of D to our fridge. It's my absolute most favorite picture of him. He has this smile, this warm, inviting smile. And I smile when I see it. You can't help but smile!

I'm so glad it is there, and it has elicited our children to talk about him, and it's been fun involving him in our family's conversations.

But it's just a reminder. It's a reminder we have been on this journey for MONTHS. It's been over half a year now.

Ahhhhhh THE TIGHTNESS again.

Just a normal day in this waiting-for-trip-1-dates stage...